When You're Gone
by mincepie
Summary: A oneshot portraying Meredith's emotions as she tries to cope with the death of her husband.


**I know, I know. This song, and this title has been used a lot in Grey's Anatomy fanfics lately, although I will say that I think I was the first. LOL. I wrote this quite a while ago, before the song was even released. And I have to mention Chloe, because she still thinks it was her idea. I do love her really, though.**

**This is just a oneshot… and it's quite sad. I cried when I wrote it. And I never cry. I just don't. So I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It isn't brilliant, it isn't long, but it's touching… oh, and please don't be mad… you'll see why I say this once you've read it.**

Meredith closed the front door behind her and took a step forward, the sound of her heels on the hardwood floor echoing throughout the empty house. She looked around the room, her eyes pausing spasmodically as memories scurried through her mind, filling it with giggles, arguments and groans of pleasure. The resonating sounds caused a dull ache to arise between her temples and she closed her eyes in an attempt to dull the pain, to dull everything.

Moments later she reopened her eyes, wincing slightly at the still present ache. Ignoring the other rooms, unable to deal with the pain of the memories they held, she made her way towards the staircase, which itself held many recollections, and walked straight towards her bedroom. Entering the large room, Meredith realised that this was torture. She sat down on the side of the bed and kicked off the black shoes, not caring where they landed.

_I always needed time on my own,_

_I never thought I'd need you there when I cried._

_And the days feel like years when I'm alone,_

_And the bed where you lie is made up on your side._

She collapsed into the array of pillows, not quite knowing what to do with herself. She instantly felt trapped, confined, and hastily stood up, reaching behind her for the zipper of her black dress in frustration. When it wouldn't unfasten quickly enough, Meredith reached down and pulled it over her head, not caring that the harsh metal of the zip had scratched her face. She threw the dress to the floor where it landed near to the shoes, leaving her wearing only her underwear.

Meredith returned to the bed and lay back down, the cool material of the comforter soothing her warm skin. She stared up at the ceiling, forcing herself not to glance around the room, forcing her mind not to fill with more memories. Now that she finally felt free, Meredith began to drown in the silence, cursing the isolation that her newly found freedom had brought her.

Her gaze dropped as her head fell sideways, the empty space beside her emphasising how alone she felt, how alone she was. They came slowly. First there was just the gut-wrenching twist in her stomach, but she was used to this as it had been there for days, almost a week in fact. The churning had made its way into her throat, worming its way up until finally, her eyes glistened as she rolled into the middle of the bed, her head finding its familiar nook between the two pillows. And then came the deluge of tears as pain struck her heart like a dagger, irrepressible sobs pulsating through her tiny body as she reached out to the empty space before her, a space that had only recently become so vacant.

_When you walk away,  
I count the steps that you take.  
Do you see how much I need you right now?_

Hours had passed, but she'd lost all concept of time. Meredith found herself sitting in the middle of the bed, the clammy sheets clinging to her bare skin as she sat hunched, her head resting slightly against the headboard. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her knees, which rested tightly against her chest. She moved a hand slightly, pawing at her cheek, which was sticky from the hours of crying. There were now no more tears left to cry and once again, Meredith felt very alone sitting on the great expanse of material that was their king sized bed. Her segregation from the world was not allowing her any happy memories currently, and her tear-free subconscious carried her thoughts back to the events of the day.

She had woken up that morning, and it was a morning that was not unusual. The sun had shone in through the window, beautiful colours refracting through the droplets of water that spattered across the glass. Meredith had almost smiled, except she had woken up cold. This was only something that had happened of late, and with the coldness came the flooding realisation of the day that lay ahead of her, and the reason for it.

Meredith stood at the front of the giant room. She faced the front in an attempt to avoid the sea of black behind her, to avoid the sad smiles of sympathy, to avoid the selfish sobs of people around her and to avoid showing the weakness that was reflected in her face. But staring ahead was far worse. She would gladly collapse into the obsidian ocean if it meant she could evade the sight in front of her. Today was not a day for avoidance, she had told herself as she locked her gaze onto the scene before her.

There it was. Meredith stared at it furiously, her bitter hatred causing her jaw to tremble as her eyes narrowed, a lone tear snaking its way down her face angrily. It was only a box, and sure, it was an attractive oak box, handcrafted with the utmost care. Yet it was still just a box, a box that contained her whole life, everything she had ever lived for. And within no time at all, her friends were lined up either side of this box, lifting it up and carrying it away. How could her friends do this to her? How could they take him away from her? She wasn't ready to let him go, to let him walk out of her life. She still needed him.

_When you're gone,  
The pieces of my heart are missing you.  
When you're gone,  
The face I came to know is missing too.  
When you're gone,  
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day.  
And make it ok,  
I miss you._

She needed him, and he wasn't here. From somewhere, more tears had appeared. They came quickly, too quickly, effectively blinding her and sending the room into a blurred frenzy. Meredith leaned her head back against the headboard, forcing the tears back down and hoping that gravity would keep them in her head somehow, all rational thought gone. Her breaths were shaky, but as the latest display of tears subsided, Meredith took control of her own breathing, forcing herself to inhale and exhale deeply until she could set her thoughts straight once again.

Meredith leaned over to her nightstand, taking the glass of water that had been sitting there for as long as she cared to remember and took a sip of the stale liquid, relishing the placation it brought to her dry throat. As she replaced the glass, Meredith's eye was caught by the glinting gold of the intricately designed photo frame that stood behind her alarm clock. She smiled sadly as she recalled the scene taking place in the photo that resided in the frame.

She picked up the frame and resumed her place in the middle of the bed, her legs now crossed. Their wedding day. The familiar prickling behind her eyes had returned and she sniffed sharply in attempt to fight against her grief. Her small smile arrived once more as one of her fondest memories pushed its way to the front of her mind. Meredith could recall the day as if it were yesterday and not several years earlier. She still remembered their vows off by heart; words that had often gotten her through a bad day. It didn't matter what had happened at work or between the two of them because the vows were what mattered. His promise to love her forever had become her lifeline and she needed that more than ever right now.

Glancing down at her left hand, Meredith rolled the simple white gold band around her finger, tracing the smoothness of the metal as it circled her finger loosely. Only the two of them knew of the hidden inscription inside: _forever_, a simple seven lettered word that meant everything to Meredith, more so right now than ever before.

Meredith stared down at the photo, which was now resting in her lap, the cool metal warming where it met her skin. She ran a finger softly over the glass, tracing the picture of his face, her eyes glazing over as her gaze attached itself to his smile. It was a smile that would lighten a room like no lightbulb ever could, a smile that warmed her to the very core, a smile that showed her she was loved. It was the smile he reserved only for her.

She was going to miss that smile so much. She was going to miss the way he used to sneak up on her at work, burying his head in her hair before wrapping his arms around her, sometimes tickling her gently. She was going to miss the way he'd come home from work and climb onto the couch behind her to keep her warm while she watched whatever soap it was that was on, and she was going to miss him ambushing her in the shower to make love again, even though they were already late for whatver appointment they were required at.

Meredith was going to miss him. She already did.

_I've never felt this way before,  
Everything that I do,  
Reminds me of you.  
And the clothes you left,  
they lie on the floor,  
And they smell just like you.  
I love the things that you do._

She didn't know what it was like to lose somebody like this. Meredith didn't think she was going to be able to cope. Of course people she knew had died. She had relatives who had passed away, her mother too. Except she didn't know what it was like to really lose someone, to lose someone that you love with all your heart. It wasn't true to say that she hated her mother. Meredith didn't hate her, she loved her. Their relationship had never been brilliant and they resented one another immensely. Her mother resented her for interrupting her career, for being a constant reminder of her father, but mostly she resented her daughter for the freedom she symbolised, something that Ellis Grey had never been allowed to experience.

And Meredith hated that her mother had never been there for her while she was growing up, foisting her off with various nannies over the years. She begrudged her mother for working one hundred hour weeks, volunteering herself for surgeries at whatever time of day while her daughter was either passed out from a cocktail of drugs and alcohol or having sex with a drunken adolescent that didn't realise she was only fifteen.

Everything had changed when she'd met him. Not immediately, it was a gradual thing that came after much heartache on both sides. But soon enough, Meredith knew that she could not live without him in her life. However much he hurt her, however much she yelled, they needed one another. She needed him, and now he wasn't here. She was all alone. He'd promised that he would always be there for her, that he would always show up, even if she was mad at him. And he wasn't, he wasn't there for her and she needed him more than ever.

Meredith took another deep breath and looked up, finally assessing her surroundings, which she had tried so hard to ignore not only today, but for the past week. Everything in the room held a memory. This was their room, their sanctuary, where they could be together and pretend that nothing else existed. Everything of his was still around. His jeans and shirt lay slung over the back of the chair in front of the dresser, his coffee mug sat on his nightstand and his scrub cap – the one with the ferryboats on – hung on the door handle.

_We were made for each other,  
Out here forever,  
I know we were. _

All I ever wanted was for you to know,  
Everything I do I give my heart and soul.  
I can hardly breathe,

_I need to feel you here with me._

More time than she cared to acknowledge had passed since she'd entered the room and sat on the bed, swaddled with her memories and recollections. Meredith stretched herself out so that she was laying down on his side of the bed, her head buried in his pillow. She could smell him, his familiar scent of overly-priced cologne and simple masculinity flooded her senses and as she closed her eyes, she imagined the warmth of him as he cuddled her from behind, his large arms enveloping her protectively. Meredith quickly fell asleep as exhaustion overcame her, her fingers still wrapped around the metallic photo frame.

_When you're gone,  
The pieces of my heart are missing you.  
When you're gone,  
The face I came to know is missing too.  
When you're gone,  
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day.  
And make it ok,  
I miss you.  
_


End file.
